Asking Eric: Mother worries that her past traumas caused daughter’s body image issues

Dear Eric By the time I was I knew something was wrong with me Babies that couldn t be recounted not to would stare at my odd face Sometimes I d catch adults doing the same It made me very uncomfortable I felt sick all of the time No one knew why but as a teen my deformities spread and I had to have two grueling surgeries for spinal abnormalities Afterward I came up with elaborate options to make up my face do my hair and dress to disguise my oddities Through the years other rare seemingly unrelated strength problems arose I have had to have nearly more surgeries two that literally saved my life The difficulty is that I brought all of my damaging coping behaviors into the life of my daughter The pressure I inadvertently put on her to look pretty only made her terribly insecure Forty years later the additional effects of aging and childbearing have convinced her she s so ugly and unattractive that she might as well give up Even though she s a good-looking woman She is now severely obese and wears rags for clothing that reinforce her thinking This breaks my heart Because I got so messed up myself I do not know how to help her Sad and Confused Dear Sad and Confused First please work on forgiving yourself for not giving your daughter what you didn t have to give While you may have put pressure on her or allowed various of the pain you were processing to impact her you were and still are also a person trying to manage the world as best you can So grant yourself selected grace And grant your daughter grace too No one is created in a vacuum You didn t single-handedly shape her personality and you don t have the power to single-handedly change her mind about herself But there s incredible power in vulnerability and honesty It can transform the relationship you have with your daughter and the relationship you have with yourself First if you re not already doing so work on processing the trauma you ve experienced around your fitness and body image with a counselor Once you ve made particular progress you ll be in a good state of mind to share with your daughter what you experienced and what you wish you had done differently The goal however shouldn t be making her change That s her work to do And if you are sharing with her with the intention that she behave or think differently it s likely to have a negative impact on her Instead try to work toward accepting her for who she is That will have the bulk meaningful impact Dear Eric I live in a fairly upscale apartment building of a limited hundred units located in a fairly upscale part of a city It s quite a nice new building and I enjoy living there But one apartment on the first floor has a bad odor that emanates from it when walking past the door Because the apartment also opens from the back to the pool the odor is heavy across a large swath of the lounging area The smell is revolting The best way to describe it and I m not exaggerating is a combination of rotting garbage mixed with dirty diapers that somebody is trying to cover up with cheap fabric softener I am sure of which apartment it is coming from because one day I was passing by the door just as the -something female tenant was going in and the very recognizable putrid stench blasted out like a wrecking ball slamming me in the gut I m a bit older in my early s In an era in which anybody like me who complains gets labeled as an entitled Karen I hate to summary it to the young agents who staff the leasing office I just suspect they ll scoff at the old guy and do nothing I also have a heart and don t want to mortify the young woman I m stunned that nobody else has complained But maybe they re like me and have no idea what to do Do you Related Articles Asking Eric Grandparent is barred from even speaking son s name Asking Eric Wheelchair user gets no sympathy from caregiver Asking Eric Relatives leave gifts but don t come inside to visit Asking Eric New friend s cooking turns the stomach Asking Eric Adult children object to parents burial plans Revolted Neighbor Dear Neighbor At the peril of getting on a soapbox I have to say that the term Karen has outlived its usefulness if it ever had any It s an imprecise catchall and these days we d all benefit from being clearer in our language and intent Not to mention it makes life annoying for a number of people named Karen whom I quite like All that to say alert building management if for no other reason than if the smell is that bad and that consistent it strongly suggests a larger predicament that could put the resident or other residents at pitfall For her safety and yours say something to someone who has the authority to respectfully investigate Send questions to R Eric Thomas at eric askingeric com or P O Box Philadelphia PA Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas com